What Makes a Mentor?

If you are lucky enough to have had a mentor in your life, it almost certainly wasn’t your parents, and is unlikely to have been a subject teacher.

Your parents, and subject teachers, may well have had a positive impact on your development, but they were probably overly fixated on short-term goals and milestones, from getting you to use your cutlery properly, to passing your GCSEs. “This is how you do it, so copy me.”

How often did they listen to you?

Did they ever ask you what made eating with your fingers so enjoyable? Or what you found difficult about holding a knife that way?

Did they take the time to ask you what you were interested in? Or what you found difficult to remember, and how that was different to other subjects?

If not, it’s not because they didn’t care; they may well have cared too much. In their frustration their questions probably began with “why”, leaving no room to explore the causes of behaviour. It’s easy to let our agenda get in the way of someone else’s needs.

“Other people’s kids don’t eat with their fingers…”

“Other students seem to be getting this just fine…”

The frustration is often derived from one or more of the following:

• They lacked time (life, work, social media etc)

• They lacked resources (knowledge, skills, relationship bonds etc.)

• They lacked a sense of responsibility (it’s the parent’s job, it’s the school’s job, it’s that person’s job…)

Which is why, if you are lucky enough to have had mentors in your life, they probably directed ample time, resources and responsibility, towards you. The impact this had was certainly significant, you wouldn’t be thinking of them otherwise. They may have helped you through a challenging time, or to navigate a career change, or kept you attending school. Parents and teachers can have a sizeable, significant impact also, but they are rarely the ones that channelled our minds and capabilities through those most difficult of times - it would be asking too much given everything else they do.

A mentor doesn’t keep you clothed and fed, or full of knowledge and rules. A mentor doesn’t raise you like a parent or teacher; but given time and the right relationship forming, they will help you to raise yourself. The school friend, head of year, a youth worker, close relative or counsellor.

They know how to listen, using good questions to bring about good outcomes, helping you move forwards.